Occupy Fleet Street: Tales From the Asylum
by dramaprez
Summary: A parody of Sweeney Todd. Judge Turpin is obsessed with sparkles, other musicals are referenced, much singing is done, and everyone dies!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Sweeney Todd. I also do not own Urinetown, Into the Woods, West Side Story, Occupy Wall Street, Emilie Autumn, Disneyland, James Bond, Friday, Bohemian Rhapsody, A Very Potter Musical, We Are Young, One Hundred Bottles of Beer on the Wall, Rent, or Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy.

**Author's Note:** This is a parody of Sweeney Todd. My school just did a production of this show, and I was a chorus member. So many ridiculous things happened during the rehearsal process, that I decided to write this! So… Act One commences…

**ACT I**

**Prelude: The Show Where Everyone Dies**

(A whole bunch of people are standing on a stage. Suddenly, they all burst into song)

Everyone: Swing your razor wide, Sweeney

Hold it to the skies!

We are in the show where everybody dies!

(Then, all the sopranos hit a note that could, if anybody thought of it, double as that loud whistling noise that pops up frequently throughout the show. Then, Sweeney Todd enters. He starts singing about himself in the third person, as if to prove that he is not entirely sane. Then:)

Sweeney: OCCUPY FLEET STREET!

Everyone Else: OCCUPY FLEET STREET!

**Scene 1: In Which Sweeney Arrives in London**

(Left onstage is Sweeney Todd. There is also a woman who appears to be dead, as she is laying on the floor. A sailor enters and trips over the dead woman)

Anthony: Isn't London the happiest place on earth?

Sweeney: No. There are dead bodies laying all around, like that one you just tripped over, and they're never the people who deserve to—

(The "dead" woman suddenly sits up, as she was just resting. She then begins a bizarre dance…)

Beggar Woman: Aaaaaalms…. Aaaaaalms…. for a desperate woman… aaaaalms….

Anthony: Of course, you poor thing!

Beggar Woman: How'd you like to split me muff, dear, a little jig, jig, a little bounce around the bush—

Anthony: THAT IS NOT APPROPRIATE. (hands Beggar Woman a script) Sing this.

Beggar Woman: How'd you like to be my boyfriend—no, this is stupid.

Director: Yeah, it is stupid. Sing what you were singing before.

Beggar Woman: How'd you like to split me muff, dear, a little—

Sweeney: GET OUT!

Beggar Woman: Whatever. (sings) We all want a world filled with peace and with joy… (flips offstage) OWWWW!

Anthony: That was… weird…

Sweeney: There's a hole in the world like a great black pit and it's filled with people who are filled with shit—

Anthony: SWEAR JAR!

Sweeney: SHUT UP. Anyway, so there was a barber who was definitely not me. He had a wife who was beautiful and perfect. They used to sing all kinds of musicals together. Then a judge sent the barber who was definitely not me to prison for no reason, so he could have sex with the barber who was definitely not me's wife. And I don't know what happened, because I was in prison. Because yeah. That was me.

Anthony: Okay.

Sweeney: Anyway, I can't imagine how you could possibly have any relevance to the plot after this, so… bye!

(Anthony skips off down the street. Sweeney shakes his head in annoyance, then heads off to… Mrs. Lovett's meat pie shop!)

**Scene 2: In Which Sweeney's Friends Can Help Kill Things**

(When he gets there, he finds Mrs. Lovett making pies to music. As he enters, she suddenly starts to sing:)

Mrs. Lovett: Hey! Oddly familiar looking guy! Don't go away! Everyone goes away when they see me… it's like I carry diseases… or the pies do… except they actually do… try one and find out!

Sweeney: Really, you ought to go into advertising.

Mrs. Lovett: You mean it? Thank you!

Sweeney: That was sarcastic. Anyway, there's a room up there. Did anyone ever live there? And did they look oddly like me?

Mrs. Lovett: Actually, there was a guy who did look oddly like you! He was a barber! And he was beautiful and perfect! And he would sing all kinds of musicals with his wife!

(Lucy is shown upstairs, dancing and singing while holding a baby.)

Mrs. Lovett: But something horrible happened up there! You see, a judge sent him to prison for no reason, so he could have sex with the barber's wife. So then he raped her at a party and everyone else thought it was okay because—

Sweeney: NOOOOOOOOOO!

Mrs. Lovett: Wait, did that guy look oddly like you because it was you?

Sweeney: No frickin way.

Mrs. Lovett: Oh. Well, in that case—

Sweeney: That was sarcastic too.

Mrs. Lovett: So it is you, Benjamin Barker!

Sweeney: Not Barker! Bond now. James Bond.

Mrs. Lovett: Sorry, that's already taken.

Sweeney: Whatever, I'll be Sweeney Todd then. That was my backup plan. Anyway, what happened after that? Because you said an awful thing happened in the room. And what you just said happened at Judge Turpin's house. So…?

Mrs. Lovett: Oh… your wife… um… sort of… died.

Sweeney: She "um… sort of… died"? What does that mean?

Mrs. Lovett: And the judge that sent you to prison for no reason and raped your wife also adopted your daughter. For what I'm sure are perfectly innocent, non-perverted purposes.

Sweeney: KILL KILL KILL.

Mrs. Lovett: Hey, I have a great idea! I'll give you a bunch of shiny sharp objects!

Sweeney: KILL KILL KILL.

Mrs. Lovett: I could have sold these, but I didn't, because I'm your friend.

Sweeney: No, you're not! You're not shiny! (to razors) My friends… you'll help me kill things…

Mrs. Lovett: I can help you kill things.

Sweeney: AT LAST MY ARM IS COMPLETE AGAIN!

Mrs. Lovett: Whatever.

Ensemble: Lift your razor high, Sweeney, hear it singing yes! As we sing we hear its ring of doomfulness!

Someone: Wait, that's not a word—

Beadle: *really loudly to drown out this person* HIS VOICE WAS SOFT HIS MANNER MILD—wait, was that ironic—

Random Female Chorus Members: *really loudly to drown out this person* HE KILLED HIS WIFE AND WOULD KILL HIS CHILD—wait, that hasn't happened yet—

Random Male Chorus Member: *really loudly to drown out these people* HE'D SEEN HOW CRAZY EVERYONE WAS, AND JOINED IN ALL OF THEM JUST BECAUSE…

Ensemble: He's Sweeney… He's Sweeney Todd… the demon barber of Fleet Street!

(The ensemble leaves.)

**Scene 3: In Which A Metaphor is Slaughtered**

(We see a tall tower that has neither doors nor stairs—wait, wrong story. We actually see a rather large house. On the second floor, there is a window. Through the window, you can kind of sort of see a girl's face if you look at just the right angle.)

Johanna: (to the tune of Rapunzel's music from ITW) Ahhhh….

(A bird seller walks by)

Johanna: (in really annoying weird voice) Green finch and linnet bird, nightingale, blackbird, how is it you sing—

Bird seller: NOT LIKE THAT I TELL YOU

Johanna: (in really pretty voice) How can you jubilate, sitting in cages, never taking wing… You know, isn't it weird how these birds are a metaphor for my pathetic life? Just sitting there in a small space singing all day? If only some guy would come by one day and set me free… (sees Anthony) Hey, look, there's a guy! Maybe if he looks at just the right angle he can actually see me!

Anthony: Hey, if I look at just the right angle it looks like there might be a pretty girl up there!

Johanna: (singing) And it's raining and the stars are falling from the sky and the wind and the wind and the wind I know it's cold-

Anthony: (to Johanna) HEY YOU! OVER HERE!

Beggar Woman: You know, that might not be the best way to go about things…

Anthony: What would you know about it?

Beggar Woman: Maybe you should buy her a bird or something.

Anthony: Great idea! (goes over to bird seller, who has fallen asleep) Which bird is the best metaphor for that girl's pathetic life?

Bird seller: Oh, all's the same, sir. Just get one.

Anthony: Okay. (He does) Now what?

Beggar Woman: Maybe it would be nice if you knew her name.

Anthony: Well, how am I supposed to do that?

Beggar Woman: Her name is Johanna. And she lives with Judge Turpin.

Anthony: Who is Judge Turpin?

Beggar Woman: He's a rapist!

Anthony: What?

Beggar Woman: (randomly singing) When darkness surrounds you and you lose your way, you have your own compass that turns night to day… (starts giggling) Hey, hoy, sailor boy… aaaaaaalms… aaaaaaalms… (leaves)

Anthony: Oh, no! I can't let Johanna live with a rapist! (randomly starts singing) Johanna! I just met a girl named Johanna! And suddenly that name will never be the same to me….

Judge Turpin: You! Singing songs from other musicals on my street! Staring at my ward! Calling me a rapist! Get out!

Anthony: No.

Beadle: Fine, then. I'll kill your metaphor of Johanna's pathetic life. (strangles bird and drops it on the stage. It bounces.)

Anthony: NOOOOOO! THAT BIRD WAS FAKE!

Johanna: Fly, birds… back to the sky… back to the eaves and the leaves and the castles—

Judge Turpin: Not you, too! I knew he'd be a bad influence on you…

(Judge Turpin and the Beadle go into Judge Turpin's house. Anthony starts to sing again)

Anthony: I'll steal you, Johanna… do you think that walls can hide you? Even now I'm at your window… I am in the dark beside you—

Random Ensemble Member: You know, that song sounds extremely creepy out of context.

Anthony: You might be right. (starts singing again) JOHANNA! SAY IT LOUD AND THERE'S MUSIC PLAYING… say it soft and it's almost like praying… Johanna… I'll never stop saying… Johanna! (runs offstage)

**Scene 4: In Which Things Smell Like Piss**

(The scene changes. We are now in a random marketplace in London. People are walking everywhere, trampling the dead bird that is still on stage. A boy is putting up a sign that says "Pirelli's Miracle Elixir". When he is done, he starts to sing. Actually, he starts rapping, while yet another random chorus member is beatboxing)

Toby: Gentlemen and ladies, your attention pa-leez

Do you wake every morning in shame and despair

To discover your pillow is covered with hair?

Chorus Which Is 90 Percent Women: No, actually.

Toby: Well, buy Pirelli's Miracle elixir

That's what did the trick, sir

Did it in a tick, sir

This is the remix, sir!

Mrs. Lovett: That's stupid.

Sweeney: Also, this elixir smells like piss.

Mrs. Lovett: Why does everything always smell like piss?

Sweeney: Well, last time the show was actually about piss.

Mrs. Lovett: And everyone died.

Sweeney: This is weird.

Toby: Hey, the only reason I'm rapping is because whenever anyone does it in a school project they always get a good grade! And if you got a problem with Pirelli's elixir… talk to him!

Sweeney: What if I don't want to talk to him?

Mrs. Lovett: Well, someone has to talk to him.

Sweeney: You talk to him, then.

Mrs. Lovett: No, you talk to him.

Sweeney: No, you.

Mrs. Lovett: You're the one who got your name in the title, so you owe me. I wanted the show to be called, "How Sweeney Todd and Mrs. Lovett Fell In Love and Got Married With Sparkles and Dead Unicorns."

Sweeney: That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. You owe me for even thinking of that.

Mrs. Lovett: Fine. Rock-paper-scissors.

(They play rock-paper-scissors. Sweeney loses. He resigns himself to talk to Pirelli)

Pirelli: Who-a says-a my-a elixir is-a piss-a?

Sweeney: Me.

Pirelli: Why-a do-a you-a say-a that-a?

Sweeney: Because it is.

Pirelli: And-a what-a are you-a going to-a do about it-a?

Sweeney: I'm going to challenge you to a shave-off.

Pirelli: (suddenly in a French accent) You hear this foolish man? Watch and see how he will regret his folly!

(Sweeney and Pirelli begin to shave two guys. However, Pirelli is distracted because, at the same time, he is singing a song.)

Pirelli: (Jamaican accent) For if you slip, you rip the lip a bit and that's the truth! (British accent) Seriously. You could kill someone that way.

(Meanwhile, Sweeney is done shaving his guy)

Beadle: The winner is Todd!

Pirelli: WHAT?

Sweeney: The five pounds?

(As Pirelli gives Sweeney the five pounds, that music from the part of Into the Woods where Jack gives the baker the beans plays)

Sweeney: Whatever. I probably won't ever see you again.

Pirelli: (German accent) Or maybe you will! (runs off cackling)

Sweeney: That was… weird…

Man With Cap: Hey, so you're a barber, right?

Sweeney: Duh.

Mrs. Lovett: He has a barbershop over my meat pie shop! Which you should probably go to, by the way.

Random Male Chorus Member : GOD THAT'S BAD THAT IS DISGUSTING—

Mrs. Lovett: Shut up! (Random Male Chorus Member is thrown off the stage.)

Man With Cap: I'll be there.

Beadle: Me too! Wait, you look familiar.

Mrs. Lovett: Probably from the… uh… the train.

Beadle: What train?

Mrs. Lovett: You know. The train.

Beadle: Right. (leaves. Ensemble goes off to various corners of the stage to wait until they are needed again.)

Mrs. Lovett: It's a good thing you had to talk to him. I might have had to challenge him to a bake-off, and I don't think the result of that would have been good. (pause) Ensemble? Hello?

Ensemble: OCCUPY FLEET STREET!

(Everyone exits.)

**Scene 5: In Which Sweeney Has Another Friend (and kills someone)**

(We are back at the meat pie shop/barber shop. Mrs. Lovett is inside and the beggar woman is hanging around.)

Beggar Woman: (doing dance from before) Aaaaaalms…. Aaaaaaalms…

Mrs. Lovett: OH MY GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE.

Sweeney: I have another friend.

Mrs. Lovett: That's wonderful, dear.

Sweeney: It's a sock puppet.

Mrs. Lovett: Really, now?

Sweeney: Well, what else am I supposed to do? My entire life is based around killing people! Which reminds me, why isn't the Beadle here yet? He said he would be here on Thursday! And it's TUESDAY! That comes after Thursday… right?

Mrs. Lovett: No. Yesterday was Monday. Today is Tuesday. Tomorrow is Wednesday, and Thursday comes _afterwards_.

Sweeney: Darn. That always happens.

Mrs. Lovett: Even after I showed you that educational video?

Sweeney: That was not an educational video.

Mrs. Lovett: But it listed the days of the week!

Sweeney: Only some of them. It didn't specify that Thursday comes after Tuesday. And I think you scarred me for life in the process.

Mrs. Lovett: Anyway, just wait.

Sweeney: But I really want the Beadle to come here so I can kill him!

Mrs. Lovett: But if you kill him, don't you think the judge will notice?

Sweeney: We'll deal with that when it happens. That's completely besides the point.

Mrs. Lovett: Anyway, let's not talk about killing people. That makes me depressed. Let's talk about something else… like flowers! Let's talk about the flowers we can have at our wedding!

Sweeney: …our wedding?

Mrs. Lovett: Yeah…

(Anthony bursting in interrupts the awkwardness.)

Anthony: OMG SWEENEY!

Sweeney: What?

Anthony: I FOUND THE HOTTEST CHICK EVER!

Sweeney: Okay. Why am I supposed to care?

Anthony: SHE HAS HAIR AS YELLOW AS CORN!

Mrs. Lovett: This is really the wrong musical for that—

Anthony: OR BANANAS! I LOVE BANANAS!

Mrs. Lovett: Bananas? Anyway, did you actually talk to this girl?

Anthony: YES! HER NAME IS JOHANNA AND SHE LIVES WITH A RAPIST!

Sweeney: WHAAAAA?

Anthony: So I have to rescue her. Can I hide her from the rapist here?

Mrs. Lovett: Sure.

Anthony: Great! I'm gonna go feel her and steal her now. Bye! (leaves)

Mrs. Lovett: Wow! You'll have your daughter back again!

Sweeney: But that weird sailor dude is going to steal her!

Mrs. Lovett: You can just kill him.

Sweeney: What?

Mrs. Lovett: You know. Just completely non-suspiciously murder your daughter's boyfriend, and no one will ever notice.

Sweeney: I can't see any possible problems there. No way.

Mrs. Lovett: Wonderful!

Sweeney: That was sarcastic too.

(There is a knock on the door. Mrs. Lovett opens it and Pirelli walks in, followed by Toby.)

Pirelli: (American accent) Hello, Mr. Todd.

Sweeney: I kinda hoped I wasn't gonna see you again.

Mrs. Lovett: This might be awkward. Hey, random kid, let's go downstairs and have some meat pies, okay? (Mrs. Lovett and Toby do so)

Sweeney: Anyway, why are you here?

Pirelli: I just thought you should know… I'm not an Italian barber!

Sweeney: Well, your accent kept changing so I kind of figured that.

Pirelli: I'm not a French, British, German or American barber either!

Sweeney: Well, now you've got me stumped. What nationality are you then?

Pirelli: That's not it. I'm actually not a barber at all. I am… dun dun dun… a musical theatre freak from America!

Sweeney: Wow!

Pirelli: So that means I know exactly what happens in a musical called Sweeney Todd! I know that you escaped from prison, that you're going to kill a whole bunch of people, including—oh shit—

(Pirelli tries to run away, but before he can, Sweeney stabs him in the butt, ripping his pants, and then strangles him.)

Sweeney: Well, that takes care of that. Now, what should I do with the dead body, so that no one will see it? I know! I'll put it in this trunk over here!

(He starts to, but then realizes the trunk is too small. He tries another trunk, and another, and another—wow, Sweeney has a lot of these lying around!—but Pirelli doesn't fit. Also, his pants rip even more as Sweeney tries to shove him in.)

Sweeney: Damn, this guy doesn't fit anywhere!

(Sweeney finally pushes all the trunks into a circle around Pirelli and drapes a sheet over the whole thing. Just then, three people run onstage shoving each other and wiggling all over the place. Then they start to sing to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody.)

Man With Cap: Sweeney just killed a man

Random Crazy Lady: With a razor in his hand

Cut his throat and now he's dead

Random Female Chorus Member: Goodbye to Pirelli

And your turn's soon…

All Three: In Sweeney's shop many will face their doom!

Anthony: (appears out of nowhere) JOHANNA! OOOOOHHHHH!

You know I'll rescue you!

I'll come to marry you this time on Sunday!

But till then, carry on, as if nothing really matters…

Toby: (appearing out of nowhere) I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me

Ensemble: He's just a poor boy who works for Pirelli

But since he's dead, what's in store for Toby!

Beadle: (appearing out of nowhere, singing randomly) VISHMILACH! NO! WE WILL NOT LET YOU GO!

Anthony: LET HER GO!

Beadle: VISHMILACH! WE WILL NOT-

Judge Turpin: (appearing out of nowhere, getting ready for the next scene) However awesome it would be, that song is not part of this musical. Can we move on to the next scene now?

(Everyone reluctantly leaves the stage.)

**Scene 6: In Which Judge Turpin Needs a Shave (and sparkles)**

(We are now in a courtroom. Beadle is eating popcorn while watching Judge Turpin sentencing a small boy while talking on a cell phone and eating a burger.)

Turpin: (into phone) Is this Urine Hut? (pause) What do you mean, this is the wrong musical? How could you accuse me of such a thing? DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I AM JUDGE TURPIN GODDAMNIT! (hangs up phone) Where was I? Oh, right… You have committed so many crimes in all your seven years, you must die! Mwahahahahaha! (A cop drags the small boy off the stage.)

Beadle: That was… interesting, my lord.

Turpin: Don't blame me! I'm under a lot of stress! All I want to do is move to the seaside and open up a burger shop. I could call it Burger Judge: Judge It Your Way!

Beadle: Okay… maybe you shouldn't listen to Mrs. Lovett so often.

Turpin: (as if Beadle said nothing) Or I could do it in Santa Fe, instead of at the seaside, since everyone's going there these days. Let's open up a restaurant in Santa Fe… Sunny Santa Fe would be nice…

Beadle: That's what the Rent characters did, though.

Turpin: (as if Beadle said nothing) But nooo, I have to organize a new thing called the Wrong Musical Police. It's an epidemic, I tell you! And in order to save Johanna from the perils of other musicals, I have decided to marry her next Monday.

(Meanwhile, Johanna and Anthony were standing a few feet away—in stage-space, that is—and overheard this.)

Johanna: WTF?

Anthony: I have a plan.

Johanna: WTF?

Anthony: KISS ME!

Johanna: TONIGHT!

Both: TONIGHT, I'LL SEE MY LOVE TONIGHT AND FOR US STARS WILL STOP WHERE THEY ARRRRRREEEEEE!

Johanna: TODAY, ALL DAY I HAD THE FEELING A MIRACLE WOULD-

Anthony: MARRY ME!

Johanna: OH SIR!

Anthony: AH MISS!

Johanna: OH NO!

Anthony: OH YES!

(Meanwhile…)

Turpin: For some reason, Johanna doesn't seem to realize this is a good idea.

Beadle: Hmmm, let's think. Maybe it's because you're several decades older than her, you've raised her as your daughter, you make unwanted inappropriate comments at her all the time, you have a history of being a rapist, you send small children to be executed and you really need a shave.

Turpin: So wait, you're saying all I need to do is shave, and that will solve all my problems?

Beadle: Um… yes!

Turpin: Great… but where can I find a barber?

Beadle: What a happy coincidence, I just met a barber! His name is Sweeney Todd.

Turpin: Sweeney Todd? As in the guy we were singing about before? The one who kills people?

Beadle: No, that's stupid.

(Meanwhile…)

Anthony: MARRY ME!

Johanna: YES!

Anthony: I'LL STEAL YOU!

Johanna: TONIGHT!

Random Ensemble Member: (in really annoying voice) TONIIIIIIIIIGHT! WE ARE YOUNG, SO LET'S SET THE WORLD ON FIRE—

Beggar Woman: CITY ON FIRE!

Anthony: GET OFF THE STAGE!

Johanna: OH I ALMOST FORGOT! WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

Anthony: ANTHONY!

Johanna: OH SIR!

Anthony: JOHANNA!

Johanna: OH SIR…

(They kiss really disgustingly. They start licking each other's faces. Meanwhile…)

Beadle: Plus, Sweeney Todd can put sparkles on your face. I know how much you love sparkles on your face.

Turpin: Really? That's awesome!

**Scene 7: In Which Sweeney is Not a Normal Murderer (and neither is Mrs. Lovett)**

(The scene changes. We are back in Mrs. Lovett's pie shop/Sweeney's barber shop.)

Mrs. Lovett: Hey, Sweeney?

Sweeney: Yeah?

Mrs. Lovett: What did you do with Pirelli?

Sweeney: Well… let's just say he's in a better place now.

Mrs. Lovett: You took him to Disneyland? And you wouldn't take me? You bastard!

Sweeney: No, you idiot, I killed him.

Mrs. Lovett: Oh. Well, that's okay, then.

Beadle: (outside on the street) Here's Sweeney's barber shop.

Judge: SPARKLES!

Beadle: …okay then. (leaves)

Sweeney: IT'S JUDGE TURPIN!

Mrs. Lovett: Uh-huh.

Sweeney: This is your cue to leave now.

(Mrs. Lovett does. Judge Turpin comes up to the barber shop, tripping over the bizarre arrangement of trunks as he enters.)

Sweeney: Hello, Judge Turpin.

Turpin: SPARKLES!

Sweeney: ….okay then.

Turpin: Sorry. I'm just excited. About the sparkles. And the wedding.

Sweeney: What wedding? Please don't say my and Mrs. Lovett's wedding. I told her that wasn't happening but she keeps asking me to help her pick out invitations. Did she send invitations? Please don't tell me she sent invitations.

Turpin: I have no clue what you're talking about. I mean my wedding to Johanna.

Sweeney: YOU KEEP YOUR FILTHY OLD HANDS OFF MY DAUGHTER!

Turpin: What?

Sweeney: Um… I said… uh… do you want some water?

Turpin: No, thank you.

Sweeney: Well… you know what's better than water?

Turpin: Beer?

Sweeney: Well, yeah. But there's only a limited amount of songs you can sing about that.

Random Male Chorus Member: One hundred bottles of beer on the wall, one hundred bottles of beer-

All Other Chorus Members: WINE AND BEER!

Sweeney: Anyway, you know what you can sing a lot more songs about?

Turpin: Love?

Sweeney: Women.

Turpin: Ah, yes, women.

Sweeney: Pretty women.

Both: PRETTY WOMEN PRETTY WOMEN PRETTY WOMEN!

(Meanwhile, Sweeney is preparing to shave/kill Judge Turpin. He is about to slit his throat when Anthony bursts in, tripping over the bizarre arrangement of trunks as he enters.)

Anthony: OMG SWEENEY! I'm so glad I found you! You're the only one I trust not to tell Judge Turpin that I'm running off with Johanna to save her from that ugly old rapist who—oh shit.

Sweeney: Why did I ever tell this guy where I live?

Turpin: Johanna elope with you? That's absurd!

Anthony: YOU'RE ABSURD!

Turpin: What? That's absurd! You shall never see my face or throat again! (leaves)

Sweeney: GET OUT!

(Anthony flees. Mrs. Lovett runs in.)

Mrs. Lovett: What in the heck just happened?

Sweeney: His butt was there, beneath my hand!

Mrs. Lovett: Wait, what?

Sweeney: AND NOW HIS BUTT AND MORE IMPORTANTLY HIS THROAT WILL NEVER BE THERE AGAIN!

Mrs. Lovett: You should really calm down before someone gets hurt—

Sweeney: But that's exactly what I want! I want a whole lot of people to get hurt! Everyone in London sucks! I mean, there's the looting, and the hoarding and the rioting and the burning and the raping and the witch hunts and the cannibalism—

Mrs. Lovett: Did you just say cannibalism?

Sweeney: Yes. Why?

Mrs. Lovett: No reason. Go on.

Sweeney: Anyway, I've decided that I should not just kill Judge Turpin. I should kill EVERYONE I SEE.

Mrs. Lovett: …okay then. (backs away slowly) So… if you kill all these people, what do you intend to do with the bodies?

Sweeney: I guess I'll just bury them. It really wasn't the main thing I was thinking about.

Mrs. Lovett: Well, yeah… but that's what normal murderers do.

Sweeney: True.

Mrs. Lovett: So I was thinking… what if we made the dead bodies into pies?

Sweeney: OMG THAT'S THE MOST AWESOME IDEA EVER.

Mrs. Lovett: Let's list all the different people we can kill! We can kill the tinker.

Sweeney: Something pinker.

Mrs. Lovett: Tailor?

Sweeney: Something… paler.

Mrs. Lovett: Soldier?

Sweeney: Something… colder?

Mrs. Lovett: Spy?

Sweeney: …I LIKE PIE!

Mrs. Lovett: How about actor?

Sweeney: Always arrives overdone! Now, director—

Director: HOLD! You can't kill the director!

Sweeney: But if we can kill all the actors, and we pretty much do, why can't we—

Director: It's just a rule.

Sweeney: Why?

Director: Uh… INTERMISSION!

(Blackout)


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Sweeney Todd. I also don't own Friday, Rent, Jack In the Box, Urinetown, Chicago, Occupy Wall Street, Miss Lucy Had Some Leeches, Smooth Criminal, West Side Story, Twilight, Bad Romance, or Wicked.

**Act II**

**Scene 8: In Which People Eat Pies (and are pies)**

(We are now in Mrs. Lovett's meat pie shop. Mrs. Lovett is dancing around serving pies. Sweeney is upstairs bouncing in time to the music, and occasionally pelvic thrusting. A sign has been added to his barbershop that says, "Like Mrs. Lovett's pies? Want to be a part of what makes then so great? Come to Sweeney Todd's Tonsorial Parlor for details." The entire ensemble is sitting at tables eating pies and drinking various forms of alcohol.)

Random Chorus Member: Wow, these pies are surprisingly good all of a sudden!

Toby: (rapping again) Gentlemen and ladies, your attention pa-leez—

Mrs. Lovett: I told you not to do that song anymore! Do the other one!

Toby: Who likes pie? You like Pie?

If you like pie, I'm your guy

Because today is pie day, pie day

Gotta get down on pie day—

Mrs. Lovett: AAAAAAGHHHHHHHH!

Toby: Sorry!

Random Male Chorus Member: (gets on table) To days of inspiration, playing hooky, makin' something outta nothing, the need to—

Mrs. Lovett: WRONG MUSICAL! (shoves random male chorus member off table) (to other people) Nice to see you, dearie, how have you been keeping? Cor, me bones is weary, TOBY! He's vegetarian!

Sweeney: Psst!

Mrs. Lovett: Yeah?

Sweeney: We finally got stairs installed so we don't have to get someone to hold the ladder all the time!

Mrs. Lovett: Yay!

Sweeney: Is that a stair fit for a king, a wondrous, neat and most necessary stair…

(There is another random male chorus member laying in the corner with a mug on his crotch)

Random Female Chorus Member: Why does everything always end up on a guy's crotch?

Another Random Female Chorus Member: Remember that hat?

Random Chorus Member With Jack In The Box Cup: Look, a burger and soda in the nineteenth century!

Another Random Female Chorus Member: Look, a cell phone in the nineteenth century!

Turpin: (appearing out of nowhere) Big deal, I have all those things too. (disappears again)

Beggar Woman: You are the river, I am the river, he is the river, she is too…

Mrs. Lovett: TOBY THROW THE OLD WOMAN OUT!

Sweeney: Pssst!

Mrs. Lovett: Yeah?

Sweeney: So, when I'm ready to send a dead body down, I'll pound three times, okay?

Mrs. Lovett: Sure. Wanna practice on Man With Cap? I'm running out of pies already.

Sweeney: Great idea!

Everyone: (realizes they forgot to sing) GOD THAT'S GOOD THAT IS DE HAVE YOU WHERE'S MY FORK OH NO WHAT'S THAT GUY DOING WHERE'S MY PHONE WHAT'S MY LINE PIES SUCH FLAVOR GOD THAT'S GOOD!

Random Female Chorus Member: Must be a full moon out tonight.

**Scene 9: In Which People Sing About Johanna (again)**

(Anthony is standing on the street outside Fogg's Asylum. Johanna is inside said asylum. Sweeney is in his barber shop.)

Anthony: I feel you, Johanna… (a banana salesman walks past) BANANA! (runs after banana salesman) I'LL STEAL YOU, BANANA!

Sweeney: (shaving a guy) And are you beautiful and pale, with yellow hair, like me? I will not try to cut your throat, how silly that would be, Johanna… STACATO! (kills the guy and sends him down. The guy's pants rip as he falls.)

Anthony: Banana…

Johanna: I'll marry Anthony Sunday, Anthony Sunday…

Sweeney: And are you pretty, pale and blond, like that weird sailor dude? I will not try to murder you and cook you into food, Johanna… PIANISSIMO! (kills another guy and tries to send him down, but the chair does not go.) Damn. Guess I need a few more minor adjustments…

Beggar Woman: Evil! Doom! Smoke! Fire! Satan! YOU WHO FLY THE BLIMP OF EVIL, SHUN UP HEAVAL IN THE AIR! CITY ON FIRE! DOOOOOOOOM!

Sweeney: You're gone, and yet you're mine… I'm fine, Johanna, but the men of London are not fine! (finally manages to send guy down. His pants rip.)

Anthony: I'll steal you, banana…

Sweeney: And though I'll think of you, I guess, until the day I die, I think the way I'd like you best might be as juicy pie, Johanna…

Johanna: I'll marry Anthony Sunday, Anthony Sunday…

Random Lunatic : That's not happening, get over it, Johanna!

Beggar Woman: WHY DOES NO ONE NOTICE THIS GUY KILLING PEOPLE IN FRONT OF A HUGE ASS WINDOW? WHERE DO YOU SERIOUSLY THINK YOUR LOVED ONES ARE GOING?

Sweeney: We learn, Johanna, to say… goodbye! (does not slit guy's throat because his family is there—it was Take Your Kid to the Barber Day or something—and besides, the chair might still be broken anyway)

Anthony: Banana!

Beggar Woman: Must be a full moon out tonight… aaaaaaaalms!

**Scene 10: In Which Anthony Keeps Getting Arrested**

(Anthony is still outside the asylum. Sweeney has disappeared. The banana salesman has just walked into the asylum.)

Anthony: (banging on the doors) BANANA! BANANA!

Beadle: (coming up behind Anthony) Did you just say Johanna?

Anthony: No, but now that you mention it… JOHANNA!

Beadle: …that's an insane asylum.

Anthony: WTF?

Beadle: Banging on the door is really not going to help your situation.

Anthony: (ignoring Beadle) I FEEEEEL YOU, JOHAAAAAANNAAAAA!

Beadle: IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP I WILL ARREST YOU.

Anthony: You can't arrest me! Nah nah nah nah nah! JOHANNA! I JUST MET A GIRL NAMED JOHANNA!

Beadle: WRONG MUSICAL POLICE! Arrest this man!

Anthony: Aw damn it! This always happens! WHY DID I LISTEN TO MY HEART… I HEARD ITS CALL AND—(is grabbed by cops. He breaks free and runs away) BANANA! BANANA!

Beadle: (shaking head) Weirdo. Must be a full moon out tonight.

**Scene 11: In Which Even Sweeney Is Disgusted**

(Sweeney is sitting in the parlor. Suddenly Mrs. Lovett bursts in.)

Mrs. Lovett: OMG! Did you know what one of my customers just told me?

Sweeney: No, but I really—

Mrs. Lovett: Laura and James are getting married and they—

Sweeney: I seriously don't care right now.

Mrs. Lovett: What?

Sweeney: I'm trying to figure out how to kill the judge.

Mrs. Lovett: Oh, that's all? Why is that so difficult? There are so many ways to kill people. You could slit his throat, you could poison his food, you could send wild animals after him, you could set a booby trap so he falls onto a huge mat of spikes, you could strangle him, you could shoot him, you could push him into a burning oven…

Sweeney: Wow. You really put a lot of thought into this.

Mrs. Lovett: Whatever. Anyway, you know what we should do after you kill the judge?

Sweeney: What?

Mrs. Lovett: We should move to the seaside and get married with sparkles and rainbows and unicorn puppies and kill people and have millions of babies!

Sweeney: What?

Mrs. Lovett: (kisses Sweeney) Well?

Sweeney: I have killed approximately 77 people in the past two weeks. I send their bodies down for you to grind into pies. And yet, there are some things even I can't handle.

(Suddenly Anthony bursts in.)

Anthony: OMG SWEENEY!

Sweeney: Seriously? After what happened last time would it really be so hard to knock first?

Mrs. Lovett: This might be awkward. I'm going to the bathroom. (leaves)

Sweeney: Anyway, what do you want?

Anthony: I found Johanna! Judge Turpin put her in the asylum!

Sweeney: Well, you'll just have to rescue her then.

Anthony: How do I do that?

Sweeney: Well, you'll have to get into the asylum in disguise.

Anthony: Okay! I have a fake mustache and sunglasses! Will that work?

Sweeney: No. You have to disguise yourself as someone who goes into asylums a lot.

Anthony: A BANANA SALESMAN! Perfect! Thank you so much! That's the best idea ever! (runs out)

Sweeney: I was going to say a wigmaker. But I guess that works too… maybe. Anyway, now I have to write a letter to Judge Turpin telling him Johanna will be here, so he'll come here and then I can kill him!

(The ensemble comes back out. They sing at different times during Sweeney's letter, as if expressing his thoughts.)

Sweeney: Most honorable Judge Turpin…

Ensemble: Dear guy who needs to die…

Sweeney: I venture thus to write you this urgent note to warn you…

Ensemble: That I'm going to kill you…

Sweeney: That the hot blooded young sailor…

Ensemble: Who will really freak you out if he runs off with your daughter…

Sweeney: Has abducted your ward Johanna…

Ensemble: Who everyone loves to sing about for some reason…

Sweeney: From the institution where you…

Ensemble: So evilly…

All: Confined her…

Sweeney: But hoping to earn your favor…

Ensemble: Kill you…

Sweeney: I have persuaded the boy to lodge her here tonight in my tonsorial parlor…

Ensemble: Murder lounge… on Fleet Street…

Sweeney: If you want her again in your arms, hurry…

Ensemble: So I can get this over with and not have to deal with Mrs. Lovett's obsession with me anymore…

Sweeney: She will be waiting…

Ensemble: In the trunk…

Sweeney: Your obedient humble servant…

Ensemble: Killer…

All: Sweeney Todd.

(Sweeney seals the letter.)

**Scene 12: In Which There is Pointless Singing**

(Mrs. Lovett is in the parlor singing randomly)

Mrs. Lovett: Sweet Polly Plunkett lay in the grass, turned her eyes heavenward sighing…

(Toby walks in)

Toby: Mrs. Lovett, where did you learn that song?

Mrs. Lovett: A guy taught it to me.

Toby: Was it Mr. Todd?

Mrs. Lovett: No, it was a different guy. He said what you have to do is listen to the song three times. The first time you just listen to it. The second time you sing it quietly. The third time you sing it loudly.

Toby: Three times? That sounds like something Mr. Todd would say!

Mrs. Lovett: No, that was a different thing. That was the "pound three times" thing.

Toby: What's that for?

Mrs. Lovett: Nothing.

Toby: IS MR. TODD KILLING PEOPLE?

Mrs. Lovett: No! No. …no.

Toby: But Pirelli disappeared in his barber shop! And all those other people went in there and they disappeared too!

Mrs. Lovett: No, they didn't. They just went out a different way.

Toby: Can't we do a happy musical next time?

Mrs. Lovett: If there is a next time, Toby, I'm sure we can.

Toby: Why wouldn't there be if Mr. Todd isn't killing people?

Mrs. Lovett: Uh… wanna see how I make pies?

Toby: Sure!

(Mrs. Lovett and Toby go down to the bakehouse.)

Mrs. Lovett: Here is the meat that I make the pies out of. It is definitely not made from dead bodies, so don't come up with any more conspiracy theories, okay? Now, this is the oven.

Toby: Wow, that's big enough to easily throw someone into!

Mrs. Lovett: It certainly is! Here is the grinder. And just by coincidence, you do this three times too! You put the meat through the grinder three times. If it was made from dead bodies, no one would ever know!

Toby: Cool!

Mrs. Lovett: I'm going to leave you here for a while. Bye!

Toby: Bye!

(Mrs. Lovett goes back to the parlor. The Beadle walks in.)

Beadle: Mrs. Lovett?

Mrs. Lovett: MR. TODD! MR. TODD!

Beadle: Oh, look! A piano! This is a great time for some pointless singing! Sweet Polly Plunkett lay in the grass, turned her eyes heavenward sighing…

(five billion hours later)

Beadle: And that's good, isn't it grand, isn't it great, isn't it swell, isn't it fun, isn't it, nowadays…

(Mrs. Lovett walks back in)

Mrs. Lovett: Um, hi.

Beadle: Mrs. Lovett, I am here to inspect your bakehouse.

Mrs. Lovett: Um… why?

Beadle: Well, it all started when a crazy homeless lady was seen shrieking about doom and fire and all that jazz. Since then other people have noticed weird stuff too. Like an awful smell from your chimney. And people going into your shop and never coming out. And something that looks like a guy killing people in front of a huge ass window.

Mrs. Lovett: Um… POINTLESS SINGING!

Beadle: POINTLESS SINGING! One bell today, in the tower of bray, ding dong… if two bells ring in the tower of bray…

Toby: Ding dong, your true love will say ding dong… wait, that doesn't seem right…

Beadle: Who's that?

Mrs. Lovett: Nobody.

Beadle: POINTLESS SINGING!

Mrs. Lovett: POINTLESS SINGING!

(Sweeney walks in)

Sweeney: What's with the pointless singing and… Beadle Bamford!

Beadle: Hello.

Sweeney: Well…. I don't really care why you're here but since you're here, how about a shave?

Beadle: DO YOU HAVE SPARKLES?

Sweeney: (refraining from rolling his eyes with difficulty) Yes, I have sparkles.

Beadle: THAT SEEMS LIKE THE BEST IDEA EVER! LET'S GO!

(Sweeney and the Beadle go up to the barber shop.)

Mrs. Lovett: POINTLESS SINGING!

(Sweeney Todd kills the Beadle.)

Mrs. Lovett: POINTLESS S—

Sweeney: I killed him. You can stop now.

Mrs. Lovett: You don't like my pointless singing?

Sweeney: No! It's just… it's rather pointless. I have more people to kill.

Mrs. Lovett: True. We'd best get on with it.

(in the bakehouse)

Toby: (eating a pie) Ew! A finger! How did that happen? (shrugs) Whatever. It's a good pie and—(suddenly a dead body appears. It is the Beadle) AAAAAAHHHHH! DEAD BODIES! HELP! LET ME OUT! AAAAAHHHHH!

Mrs. Lovett: Oh dear, he's yelling loud enough to wake the dead down there!

(Suddenly the dead body gets up. He is a zombie.)

Toby: AAAAAHHHHH! A ZOMBIE! AAAAHHHHHH! (runs for his life. Zombie Beadle turns back into a regular dead body again… for now.)

Mrs. Lovett: Must be a full moon out tonight.

**Scene 13: In Which There Are Lunatics (nuff said)**

(We are now inside Fogg's Asylum. A whole bunch of lunatics are in a big pile around Johanna.)

Lunatics: OCCUPY FLEET STREEEEET…. Hehehe… Sweeeny Sweeney Sweeney… Miss Lucy had some leeches, the leeches liked to suck, and when they drank up all her blood she didn't give a—

Johanna: SWEAR JAR!

Lunatics: SHUT UP!

Random Lunatic 1: I have an invisible dog.

Random Lunatic 2: Oh?

Random Lunatic 1: His name is Nero Alexander. And he's radioactive.

Random Lunatic 3: You named your invisible dog after the guy who fiddled while Rome burned?

Random Lunatic 1: Yeah. Well, he named himself, actually.

Johanna: Oh no! I'm surrounded by lunatics!

Random Lunatic 4: No duh.

(Fogg walks in, accompanied by Anthony)

Fogg: So, why are you here if you don't have any bananas?

Anthony: Well… I was. Um. I was looking for someone with hair the exact color of a banana, since I love bananas so much.

Fogg: Okay then. Well, here's one with hair the approximate color of a banana. And here's one with hair the color of a rotten banana.

Anthony: I don't want to think about a rotten banana! I can't eat a rotten banana! That's just depressing! (sees Johanna) That one has the shade I seek!

Fogg: Really? She's a weirdo. She keeps going on about some guy named Anthony Sunday…

Anthony: I don't care.

Fogg: All right. Now, what do you want me to do? Should I cut her hair off for you so you can keep it?

Johanna: ANTHONY!

Anthony: JOHANNA!

Johanna: TODAY, THE MINUTES SEEM LIKE-

Anthony: Now is not the time.

Fogg: WTF?

Anthony: You'll never keep Johanna prisoner here!

Fogg: You'll have to kill me first!

Anthony: Fine, then, I will—oh crap, this is more complicated than I thought!

Johanna: OMG, ANTHONY, SHUT UP! (grabs Anthony's gun and shoots Fogg. He dies. Anthony runs away carrying Johanna. Somehow, his pants rip.)

Lunatics: FREEEEDOOOOOOMM! City on fire rats in the grass and the lunatics yelling in the streets CITY ON FIRE! CITY ON FIRE! CITY ON FIRE!

(Meanwhile, Nero Alexander is standing on a high platform fiddling away. Don't ask.)

Lunatics: Let's go terrorize the populace! This is so much fun!

(Anthony and Johanna come back. Anthony has decided to just take his pants off since they ripped. No one else is on stage right now for this reason.)

Anthony: Where did you learn to shoot?

Johanna: Well, for fifteen years all I had to do was stare out the window. There were gang fights out there all the time.

(Anthony and Johanna leave, and the lunatics return.)

Lunatics: City on five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes…

(The Wrong Musical Police appear out of nowhere and start chasing the lunatics. Mrs. Lovett and Sweeney enter, searching for Toby.)

Mrs. Lovett: Toby! Where are you?

Sweeney: Toby!

Mrs. Lovett: It's nothing too sinister!

Sweeney: We just have to make sure you haven't found out the pies are made out of dead bodies!

Mrs. Lovett: And if you did we'll figure out what to do when we get there!

Sweeney: Toby!

(They leave.)

Lunatics: CITY ON FIRE! SCHOOL ON FIRE! AUDITORIUM ON FIRE! EVERYTHING ON FIRE!

(The Beggar Woman wanders into the pie shop.)

Beggar Woman: I see a river, flowing for freedom… Beadle… Beadle… get her… she's making pies out of dead bodies… MISCHIEF! MISCHIEF! I see a river, just in view…

Lunatics: hehehe… IT'S A FULL MOON OUT TONIGHT! YES!

**Scene 14: In Which Everyone Dies**

(Back in Sweeney's barber shop, Anthony and Johanna have just run in. Johanna is dressed as a man.)

Johanna: So… what do we do now?

Anthony: Well, you're going to wait here and Sweeney Todd is going to help us run away together.

Johanna: Sweeney Todd? As in, the guy we were singing about before? The one who kills people?

Anthony: No, that's stupid. (starts singing) Now it begins, now we start…

Anthony and Johanna: One hand, one heart… even death won't paaaaart…. us… noowwww!

(Anthony leaves. The Beggar Woman wanders in again.)

Beggar Woman: (to the tune of Smooth Criminal) Beadle are you okay? So Beadle are you ok? Are you okay Beadle?

Johanna: OH NO! (gets into a random box that is suspiciously stained with blood)

Beggar Woman: You've been hit by-you've been hit by- (suddenly changes) When darkness surrounds you and you lose your way, you have your own compass that turns night to day… —

(Sweeney bursts in)

Sweeney: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

Beggar Woman: Ahhhh… evil is here, sir! From her! She wants you to fall in love with her! But you shouldn't! Follow… into the open air… far from squalor and noise… follow… someone is waiting there…

Sweeney: THE ONLY ONE I WILL EVER LOVE IS LUCY! AND SHE IS THE ONLY ONE I WILL EVER SING THAT SONG WITH! DIE! (slits Beggar Woman's throat, shoves her in the chair and sends her down. He is still restoring the chair to its usual, non-slide state when Judge Turpin walks in.)

Turpin: Where is Johanna—what are you doing?

Sweeney: Nothing. And she's downstairs.

Turpin: But I was just downstairs, and I didn't see her—

Sweeney: Anyway, how about a shave?

Turpin: SPARKLES!

Sweeney: What is it with you guys and sparkles? Only crazy teenage girls like guys who sparkle—wait, never mind.

Turpin: Johanna… Johanna…

Sweeney: Seriously, everyone sings about Johanna.

Turpin: Well, everyone loves to sing about pretty women!

Both: PRETTY WOMEN PRETTY WOMEN PRETTY WOMEN!

Turpin: How seldom it is that one meets a fellow spirit!

Sweeney: Yeah… except there's one important difference.

Turpin: What?

Sweeney: Well, I've never raped anyone. I ONLY KILL THEM!

Turpin: What?

Sweeney: YOU RAPED MY WIFE AND YOU'RE GONNA DIE!

Turpin: Benjamin Barker—oh crap!

Sweeney: BENJAMIN BAAAAARKEEEEERRRR! (slits Judge Turpin's throat and sends him down. His pants rip.) Now I've finally killed Judge Turpin… but I still have more people to kill! Like Toby! Who totally knows that the pies are made out of dead bodies! (leaves. Johanna gets out of the box.)

Johanna: Oh no! It is the guy we were singing about before! The one who kills people!

Sweeney: Wait! I can't murder someone without my murder weapon! (returns to find Johanna) WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

Johanna: Um… I just wanted to get a shave. Because I am a guy.

Sweeney: You're a suspiciously long haired guy then.

Johanna: Oh shit… um… I definitely didn't just see you murder two people! It's all good, don't worry! I'll be going now…

Sweeney: NOT IF I KILL YOU FIRST! RAAAHHHHH!

Ensemble: (running onstage) LIFT YOUR RAZOR HIGH, SWEENEY, HEAR IT SINGING YES! AS WE SING WE HEAR ITS RING OF DOOMFULNESS! BECAUSE JUDGE TURPIN'S DEAD! YAY! SWEENEY TODD HAS SERVED HIS PURPOSE IN LIFE AND WE CAN ALL LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER!

(They leave to reveal a stage littered with dead bodies. Except that one of them is not quite dead. That one is Judge Turpin.)

Mrs. Lovett: DIE, GOD IN HEAVEN, DIE! (sees Beggar Woman) Oh, shit—

Sweeney: What is going on down there?

Mrs. Lovett: Uh… nothing.

Sweeney: Whatever. We have more people to kill—

Mrs. Lovett: We do?

Sweeney: Yes! There's Toby, who totally knows the pies are out of dead bodies, and a suspiciously long haired guy, who totally just saw me murder two people! So let's clear this round of dead bodies out of the way to make room for the next!

Mrs. Lovett: No!

Sweeney: Why?

Mrs. Lovett: Um…

Sweeney: Open the oven doors!

Mrs. Lovett: Why are we throwing the bodies straight into the oven? Don't we usually make them into pies first?

Sweeney: Just thinking about a pie made of Judge Turpin makes me want to vomit.

Mrs. Lovett: You have a point there.

Sweeney: And as for this meddling old beggar… (suddenly notices something) OH NO!

Mrs. Lovett: And just when I thought everything was going to be fine.

Sweeney: She sang that song!

Mrs. Lovett: And that was all she ever said! That and that stupid alms remix, and that inappropriate "wouldn't you like a little muff, dear" song. You really wouldn't have had a very good relationship like that.

Sweeney: Why did you lie to me?

Mrs. Lovett: How should I put this… well… I want your love and I want your revenge! I want your love, I don't wanna be friends!

Sweeney: You seriously think quoting Lady Gaga songs at me will fix this?

Mrs. Lovett: I WANT YOUR BAD ROMANCE!

Sweeney: You know what? Let's dance!

Mrs. Lovett: What?

Sweeney: LET'S DANCE!

Mrs. Lovett: Nothing matters, but knowing nothing matters… it's just life, so keep d—(Sweeney throws her in the oven) AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! AAAAAHHHHH! AAAAAHHHHHHH! Ooh. (is dead)

Sweeney: (goes back to Lucy's dead body and holds her in his arms) We all want a world filled with peace and with joy, with plenty of justice for each girl and boy… yeah. That's what I thought once. I thought I could live happily ever after with Lucy. Then when that didn't work out, I thought killing Judge Turpin would solve all my problems. Then, I thought killing EVERYONE would solve them. But in the end, we're still all dead.

Toby: (appearing) We're not ALL dead yet.

Sweeney: What?

Toby: This is the show where EVERYONE dies.

Sweeney: Yeah…

Toby: RAZOR! RAZOR! CUT CUT CUT CADOOGAN! Watch me grind my corn…

Ensemble: (offstage giggles)

Toby: DIE! (slits Sweeney's throat. Suddenly, Anthony, Johanna and the cops burst in to see Toby surrounded by dead bodies.)

Cop: Seriously? I come out here expecting a hardened criminal and what I get is a twelve-year-old boy? This is a new one.

Anthony: Well… it's a long story…

(The entire cast enters. The dead bodies get up from the floor. They are zombies.)

Zombies: Swing your razor wide, Sweeney! Hold it to the skies! We are in the show where everybody dies…

(Everyone starts singing at different times. Several people get into a singing-high contest. Then:)

Everyone: There! There! There! There! THERE!

Sweeney: Attend the tale of Sweeney Todd!

Everyone: Attend the tale of Sweeney Todd!

Sweeney: He killed a lot of people and then he died!

Everyone: The show is over so we can't spoil the plot!

Sweeney: So you really shouldn't kill people, kids—

Mrs. Lovett: But we all want to kill people. Aren't I right?

Ensemble: Yeah…

Sweeney: OCCUPY FLEET STREET!

Everyone: OCCUPY FLEET…

(They run off stage)

Everyone: (offstage, five billion hours later) …STREET!

**THE END!**


End file.
